Some Shattered Dreams...
The touch that lingers
Like phantoms in my mind
The feelings
That sieves out of my passionate warmth
Hold me closer to you
Than your body scent
That lives within my thoughts
The more passionate - my thoughts
Coils my mind all around
The more pain,
Breaks out in my heart
Like the grip of your slender legs
Squeezes out pleasure
Till
My last drops
How can I hold you more firmly?
In my thoughts
When your passions
Flutter with winds
A storm that comes along,
Leaving behind
Some shattered dreams.
Om Namah Shivaya
Virtual
posted by Virtual at Friday, March 17, 2006
5 Comments:
this poem has a lot of feeling and energy in it...very well chosen metaphors and the description paints a picture of the exact feelings.
'Like the grip of your slender legs
Squeezes out pleasure
Till
My last drops'
this line bothers me, its too crude for the poem, maybe I am getting something else from this
This poem is about suffering and the particular section from where you quoted the lines does gets specifically into the physical suffering. Those lines talk about Passion, Coils (relates to Snakes how they squeeze the victim to death), pain. All are negetive and dark symbols.. so I thought of using a really stark image amplify the whole negetivity of my suffering.. Although I did prepare the reader for this through a line in the previous section..
" Hold me closer to you
Than your body scent"
Above all remember this one is all about suffering. But I do agree with you its harsh image.
Om Namah Shivaya
Virtual
I keep on coming back to these poems. I like them a lot, I am simply trying to understand them.
I missed the comparison to a snake but the stark sexual implication was just thrown at the reader right there, bringing in the physical need which honestly I think is just a bit too much, but then again it is your poetry so it must somehow blend in for you.
I agree with you .. that its a bit too much.. but you see it brings out a very vivid image .. If you change the "legs" to "Finger" and add to the "last drops " "Of hope" it would have not been so harsh .. but then you tell me would it have been better?
I am very happy that you like these poetries.. Pls keep writing about them.. it will make me feel good that atleast some people do find it readable...
I usually write extempore so I don't do corrections etc.. so some time things I do miss....
Om namah Shivaya
Virtual
PS: The Snake also represents sexual desires.
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